So, this month has been kind of a bust. From completely changing the direction of the book I'm working on to preparing for my big move to England next month, I haven't really been feeling like myself and that has shown in my lack of an online presence. I've barely been able to do anything other than work and write, and even those have been done with the little bit of enthusiasm I have left. I'm not quite sure why I've been feeling this way, but it seems to be something a lot of people have been struggling this month and it makes me think that it has something to do with summer coming to an end and the sight of September preparing to lead us into autumn. It feels like an ending of some sort and when things are coming to an end you want to re-evaluate your entire life and throw your hands up in defeat.
It feels like even more of an ending than usual for me because this will be the last full month that I am in Toronto, the city I was born and raised in. I am only weeks away from packing up most of my belongings and buying my ticket to England so that I can meet up with my boyfriend. It is sad to know that a certain chapter of my life is coming to an end, but invigorating to anticipate the new chapter I am heading into. Every page turned from here on out will be equally thrilling as it is terrifying seeing as I don't really know what the next few weeks or even months will look like. Sure, there's a general idea - we all have a general idea - but no one can know for sure and that's what scares me more than anything.
Speaking of page turners, the slump I have been in this month has forced me to look at things from a different perspective, especially my book. I have been working on my novel since April of this year and have tried my best to really devote all my creative energy to making it work. I wrote about 20,000 words and realized that despite all my efforts, it wasn't working and I didn't want to waste any more time forcing it to be something that it couldn't. Or, more importantly, forcing myself to be something I'm not. I was approaching my writing in a traditional sense, thinking that I had to write a novel that followed a single narrative, but I've recently realized that it isn't me. It's not what I want to be creating and sharing. I like short fiction and enjoy diving into momentary glimpses of characters lives; always have. Like flipping through TV channels or tuning into a conversation on a bus half way through. I was trying to fit myself into a slot that can be much better filled by someone else and decided that I'd already wasted too much time doing so.
So, going forward I am working on a completely different project; one that feels right and that I'm genuinely excited to be working on. In a way, this is another kind of ending - the ending to a person I thought I was 5 months ago - but also the beginning of finding the person I feel much more comfortable being. I attribute most of this change to my ongoing therapy sessions, but also the change I am forced to experience now that I am moving away and starting a new life. Sometimes a little bit of pressure is good and can lead to a powerful and momentous explosion.